Hare Krsna

Kindly accept humble obesiences from a fallen soul.

I am an aspiring devotee. But this aspiration has various channels including doubts, fears and elements of helplessness. I am in the philosophical mode whereby I am exploring the Gaudiya Vaishnav philosophy ( ideas, stories, institutionalization, controversies, scientific aspects, experiences etc). Personally, the strongest attachment is the loving madness of Chaitanya Mahaprabhu ( though I can't, at present, convince myself that He is the incarnation of Kali-yug even when there is a strong tendency to feel so [ may be because I have not read much about Him coz the first time I had read about Him in some article, I had tears in my eyes and I am scared to further read it as I think I lack maturity(eligibility) to understand (& apply) this profound love or philosophy :). I just don't want to ruin the taste of this nectar. So, it's Bg for the time being. Furthermore, I was disappointed to see spurious texts about His predictions.]) It's His mercy that I still have atleast some faith in me which makes me curious about Krsna - the amazing ******* ( I don't know what to put, I guess everything can be placed here)

I am in a position where I can't respect (or understand) every word of the scriptures. They seems to be contradicting and confusing ( and of course controversial) but I am ready to accept that I am a baby who needs to grow to really taste them. I am convinced ( a little rational and a lot feeling) that no matter what the authenticity of the scriptures are, there is something in those which is the ABSOLUTE.

As I like to code-decode my thoughts & feelings, the state can be easily known by the following words.

O Krishna! My lost love, My lost self
Time binds me, thoughts weakens me
The floating log hits me, the deep well sucks me
Your name is the key, Your Hand is the way
O my Master, O my Lord, make me Yours
My will is weak, my brain's torture
No independence I need now, till I grow
Grow to know You, to feel You as Your servant
Busy in You,loving You, serving You
O Krishna show me the way, give me the legs
For I know not how to walk, I know not how to sing
On the path of Your kingdom, the songs of Your mercy.