looking at these forums i have to say i'm rather overwhelmed... many are asking about problems or small issues i would be happy to have.
i have been blessed to come across associates of krishna, but i'm coming from a deep-rooted life of sin. i mean everything: meat, sex, drugs, everything. all the time. for every step i take, i take about five backwards, however this is better than i was before.
i don't know where to begin. i want to fix it all, but more often than not my mind wins the battle and i go back to my old habits. i speak with devotees and voice my concerns and they give me all the answers i expect and feel they are right in my heart. however, it's almost an over-load. i'm overwhelmed with responsibility to fix all these things, and when i fail in one way i use it as an excuse to give up.
but, i always come back in tears begging forgiveness. and god is always merciful, blessing me when i do not deserve to be blessed. i chanted hare krishna for the first time in practically months, begged for a sign, and sure enough i got it. i woke up with a text from my friend who said i must come to the ashram for a speaker. i flew out of bed and was blessed to meet raddhanath swami, who's lecture put me into uncontrollable weeping.
even with such blessings i still return to sin. i don't want to form a rift between my friends, my family, my boyfriend and i. i am often wondering why this path is calling to me so deeply. can't i have some half-assed religion that doesn't ask me to change every single thing in my life? my mind is constantly trying to convince me that this path will bore me and i will never be satisfied. that it is a crazy cult. yet still, i wake up between nightmares muttering the mahamantra in my sleep.
how can i ease this transition? the associates around me seems so pure in comparison to me... i feel like i will never be able to achieve the serenity they have. is there some sort of stepping stones system? is there a hare krishna lite version? how can i make spiritual progress without beating myself up so badly? i am tortured and often wish i had never met my devotee friend that day in the street....
Prabhu, I am very lucky to
Prabhu, I am very lucky to have you to associate with. I too have done the drugs and the sex and the meat. Krishna loves you and we all have a past. I think it is wise to think of it as sand and stone, both sink the same in water. All sin is sin and Krishna forgives all of it. Consider your accumulated karma and how fortunate you are to come to Krishna. Now think of the so called purer people who will probably not come to Krishna in this lifetime. You my friend are lucky. A friend of mine talking to me of my backsliding shared these verses from the Gita-
From time to time, to see the world a bit and feeling it gross...it's actually a good thing
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So we know we've been moving forward
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It is said that, one in ignorance won't feel the ignorance, but one in goodness can't stand ignorance
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I think your ability to identify sin is an indication of growing goodness in you. It is better to be going crazy and know about it so you can seek help than to be crazy and helpless. Keep your chin up Prabhu, we are all fallen.
You could
You could start by trying to deal with one issue at a time. This way you won't overwhelm yourself by trying to do all things at once. I don't think there are many areas of our life where it is easy to do everything at once.
Pray to Krishna for assistance to deal with the one thing that you choose.
Most of us start out with Krishna-lite and work our way up.
You deserve very much to be blessed.
Have you heard this saying "just add Krishna." Most people do not have the capacity to chuck in a llifetime (or lifetimes) of habit and start fresh, but you can "add Krishna" to your life.
In the Bhagavad-gita Krishna promises to reciprocate. So whatever small amount of devotional service you begin he will certainly come to the party.
If you have a glass of dirty water and you add a drop of clean water you don't see the difference even though it is there. If you keep adding drop after drop then in time you will see the clarity begin to appear and eventually you will have a glass of clean water.
Our will is weak, that is whey we have ended up the way we are. So it is unreasonable to expect you to see the mountain and climb to the top straight away. Very few people do that.
Hang around with the right crowd, offer the vegetarian food that you eat and the water and juice that you drink. Pray, offer some service to Krishna even if it is just laying yourslef in the ground in obeisance to his fabulous greatness. "What ever you do, do it for me," Krishna says to us. Read about Him, hear about Him, think about Him. Then things will start to change for you.
From little things, big things grow. From the mustard seed a giant tree can appear.
You can beat yourself up but that won't make things easier. Rejoice that you have this opportunity, and see where it leads.
To me it seems like this: If I think about the obstacles I have then Krishna seems further away. If I think about Krishna then the obstacles, over time, seem smaller and smaller, and amazingly enough some of them disappear.
Pray, it's easy to do that.
Hare Krishna
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Visit the Food Channel @ Krishna.com
Everything is easier with
Everything is easier with association.
the 4 regs
the 16 rounds
everything
is easier with association.
It becomes natural, not a hard practice, when we associate with those who are satisfied in spiritual life.
Great to have you here Diana.
Hare Krishna
Your humble servant,
Nityananda Chandra Das