During a recent stint to overcome my tendency to cause disservice to those around me I discovered a contributing factor in its development.

That is I am selfish.

I am caught up in the desire to enjoy.

For example if Krishna where to appear to me in this very moment and offer me anything there would be a few god conscious requests I might make but I would not ask for the best benediction to be fully and eternally associated with Krishna.

In truth I don't want to go back to godhead.

I like the material world.

I am scared of Krishna even.

Once I heard a noise come from the other room in my house I was hoping that it would rather it be a break in then Krishna.

I literally thought this. My first impulse in my mind that it could be Krishna, even though it was a subconscious thought.

I know it is unlikely not Krishna but for some reason I came to the conclusion that it could be him. For certain he has better things to do then hang around me.

I was scared. I thought Oh no! He might want to take me out of the material world.

This really surprised me to realize how attached I am to my current life.

It is selfishness.

This is not the only selfish tendency I have.

For example I think it would be nice to have a car so I can date women. I keep thinking of getting a sport car despite the fact it will raise my insurance rates.

Its simply the thinking of a Karmi but yet I do this. I have read Bhagavat-Gita carefully and follow it to the best of my ability but I always want the fastest video card for my computer so I can play games with super fast Graphics.

Or sometimes I think a nice thin waist of a girlfriend will make me happy.

I would like to meet someone who can help me mature as an adult and spiritually but at the same time I have this ideal of what the woman I meet will look like.

The prediction of kuli yuga states that men and women will be favored for their ability to perform sexually and yet there is this ideal that a thin waist is the measure of beauty for a woman.

What does the physical body of a woman have to do with the love that we would share?

Its selfishness.

My selfishness stems from false pride.

Sometimes I ask intelligent questions in Lectures or gain a unique realization of Krishna so people think that I must be wise.

So that causes me to become self absorbed I think to myself that I am very mentally gifted and seek to use my mind for sense gratification be it about Krishna or for creative pursuits such as writing software or telling stories.

The truth is its not really about Krishna even if i am talking about him in a god realized way. Its about me and my knowledge of Krishna and how great that is to me. I think I have the best introspections about god and it is because of this great mind I have. Nonsense! If Krishna has revealed anything about himself to me that is his mercy. I am fortunate that he has given me a mind capable enough to even have a tiny dint of understanding about god.

Yet this is the concept that hangs in my mind.

So now I am trying to step out of myself and start thinking of others like I would be if I was in the spiritual world.
Its not going to be an easy process but if I truly want to connect to god in a way he appreciates I must do this.

So I start to daydream about what the world is like to me when I am not fully self absorbed. I must admit its a nice place.

I don't get caught up in video games or movies.
I don't think i need a shiny car.
I don't idealize the superficial cover of liquid beauty.
I don't gratify myself by thinking how great my mind is.

Yet I am peaceful content as if there is nothing to be attached to.
I think to myself when Krishna calls me back to godhead this means I can really begin my journey as a transcendental lover of god.

Namaste.